high school's over now...

this is my most uneventful summer yet, which makes sense, since i've no classes this summer.

brooke's already leaving. =/ sad face. but we both have webcams now, so it shouldn't be too hard to communicate/ have fun. we've made oodles of funny videos to keep us entertained until we next meet, a year from now. oh well, it's been nice having her, even if it couldn't be for the whole summer.

tomorrow we're going to knott's for bianca's birthday, which should be fun. we cycled through like 6 alternates for azariah (counting him, i think). first he had no money, then kevin had no money, then yuanjian got sick, then brian didn't want to (like he would), then tim had plans, then finally tien was convinced (i had asked her right after yuanjian, but she feared we wouldn't have fun with her [who know's why?]).

mmmmm i'd be more excited except that i can't stop thinking about brooke's leaving so soon, and i know bianca will replace her starting tomorrow and that we'll have tons of fun, but i still get uneasy around the time when she leaves (and usually for long after it).

it doesn't help that i had a dream about john last night. =/ i've had, what? two of those, counting last night? they leave me with the overwhelming feeling that i've lost something irreplaceable, and i guess i have. i just wake up and look at my life and notice how empty and meaningless it is...

last time i dreamed about him the night before christmas eve, and i just spent the whole day crying. well i couldn't do that today, because it's summer and i'm not nearly as depressed this time of year, but i felt as though i should be doing something... better than i was. but i have no idea what that is. i thought for a second i was supposed to break off my friendship with brian, saying some crazy gibberish (all i really say anyway) about how i was betraying the memory, the IDEA (because that's all he is, i don't know what's wrong with me) of my hero just in associating with him... but i decided against it. i guess i just keep hoping brian will come out of this phase like i did, forgetting that we're different people with different experiences, and that my perpetual encouragement of his behavior ever delays any possible transformation on his part. i love who he could be, not who he is. i don't know what to do about him. give him more time, i suppose. but he still stands for everything i hate in the world, and if i dropped curtis for that our sophomore year, why can't i drop him at the start of his junior year? i guess because he's younger i expect less from his moral compass, forgetting the standards i required when i myself was his age.

i don't know what to do about any of that, so i guess inaction is the best course of action here. i have a perfect excuse anyway: i'm leaving for college, we won't be seeing much more of each other, and maybe by next summer he'll be a functioning, empathetic human being who doesn't offend me in his every word.

i don't know why i have so much more faith in him than i ever did in curtis, but even now i'm certain there is some relentless boundary that will keep him from ever becoming that self-centered and uncaring. i've seen him be passionate about many things, and maybe passion itself is the boundary. i don't remember curtis caring about anything... also i think brian's manipulative enough to create a detailed, uncaring facade and thereby protect him from any close relationships where he might get hurt, in which case he would just be a fragile, vulnerable child i would have sympathy for, which i am sure was never the case with curtis. alright i just replenished my faith in brian, but it's still disconcerting to me that i must, on a daily basis, convince myself that i shouldn't hate him. i already know that i DON'T, but i usually believe that i should.

i'll stop talking about this. no one cares anyway. (i hope i'm right about brian, he's one of the few friends i have left)

can you bawieve it??? crazy, right? I KNOW.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with what i'm going to talk about.

I had another totally cool super awesome disturbing dream that I actually

KINDA CAN'T REMEMBER!!!

=0

Unheard of.

So this will be rather short (ha)


So it started off that my family and I were in some hotel on vacation and there was a travel-channel-esque video (actual VHS tape) i put into the tv in my room to watch, and it was TOTALLY disturbing.

Not that i can remember anything on it, but it was. It was some immoral, Brave New World shit that made me want to puke. And so i leave the room and remember that the band is going on some trip to Illinois, so I ask my mom if i can have 100 bucks for the trip, but she says no, and I complain that i won't be able to eat, so she tells me to make some sacked lunches. I leave furious.

I walk into the bathroom, which is like 4'x4' and purely a bath/shower/sink/incline/thing but my clothes are still there on the floor like they always are, and i pick them up when my nonexistent little sister turns on the faucet, wetting my clothes. Again infuriated, I tell her she wet my clothes and she just laughs, and I tell her,

"This is one of those times when you're laughing, and I'm not, and you think that deep down inside I'm laughing too, and I don't really hate you for it, but it's not, and if you keep laughing, I'm going to beat the shit out of you." (I am so fucking angry at ALL (even nonexistent, apparently) family members in ALL of my dreams... like, frighteningly angry.)

And she keeps laughing so i grab her, and the water's still running, making things slippery, and she's screaming and kicking and rather successfully trying to break free when i realize that at the bottom of the incline are all the shower products, including razors that she's about to cut herself on, and I think so myself

"Oh my god, it's another dream where I accidentally kill a child." (yes, i think in my dreams, and yes I do know when i'm dreaming, but NO i don't have dreams like that.... i have dreams where children die and OTHER people accidentally kill them)

So i leave, and in the adjacent room benji is watching on TV the exact same disturbing tourist video i was watching, so i leave hastily and run into Kyle, who lives in an adjacent apartment (i don't know) and ask if after packing my things i can go over to his place so i can "just get away, to anywhere" and he says "yeah sure just let me get a few things together" and of course

never comes back

So then the scenery gradually changes from a hokey Las-Vegas-seeming motel to a rather regal, beige, columned home, but i'm still freaking out, so i walk into this rich equivalent of my mom's office, and run into Rick Payan (other people gradually enter the scene, so I guess it's a party of some sort?) and tell him I need to get away, he tells me it's all going to be ok and pulls down a Harry Potter (no kidding) book from my mom's shelf and begins reading it to calm me down. (no, i don't read harry potter) And as he's reading, some boy and girl on the other side of the wall are finishing his sentences, as if they've memorized the book, and the boy fumbles, a mother scolds, and the girl correctly finishes, receiving praise from the mother. I think at this point (who KNOWS why) "Oh my god, it's me and Benji from the past..." >.>

And gradually the scene changes again to that of a bazaar and we are in a tent. Some bearded, alien-like, possibly Star Wars creature approaches, carrying the bags of his teacher. Rick asks the wise-looking probably wizard why he kept his most promising student at the status of servant. The man replies that he "has his reasons" and leaves. The servant then responds that the man steals his ideas for his own and uses the labor as an added bonus. (it is not explained how he gets away with this)

Soon the environment changes to "the dream I've had so many times before!" (Though i really don't even remember dreaming this) There is a green field on what seems to be a plateau. Behind me is another plateau, in front of this one is another (It seems to me there are mountains/hills like this in real life, but i don't know the word for this type of mountain/hill/thing) Anyway, it somehow becomes apparent to me (probably because I'd "dreamt it so many times before") that i was in a dystopia similar to 1984, in which people blindly and ravenously followed the government, and I was witnessing the privatization of the last national park for destruction and corporate use. It was a landmark event naturally, with camera crews on all sides and cheering onlookers behind them. I quickly realized, however, that as there were no ropes holding the viewers back, and as they were all of them savage, they cameramen would be trampled and killed. I was suddenly mortified and decided to warn them, but as i turned to climb the up to the plateau behind me, I guess the ceremony started because someone jumped down and narrowly missed destroying my hands. I was once again mortified at the thought of people being crushed and the scene abruptly changed to that of a bar for post-destruction celebration.

It was very musky and I recall being still uncomfortable. Rick was back again, and from his smile and knowing expression, I instantly got the impression that he knew just as I did the depravity of our current society, but that he was content to look on contemptuously. I don't roll that way. So i was still ill at ease when i noticed Brian about, approximately, perhaps, one table away from me. He was essentially right next to me. But i didn't want to talk to him, but then i remembered "the prophecy"...

Not that i can remember it now. But there was something about "the naive one" and some sort of "initiation" involving a sacrifice/killing or something. And suddenly I realized that Brian was the unknowing, naive one, and that I should overcome my newfound disdain and save him.

Before i could do that, however, Rick passed over a dessert for him, laughing inwardly and perhaps even under his breath. The sight of it almost made me throw up. It was a piece of cake in the shape of a dead horse's head. I passed it on to brian and he offhandedly scraped off some icing, remarked that it was pretty good, and passed it back. Quietly and plaintively I asked "Brian... don't you see anything wrong with that? You're eating a horse's head..." but he just shrugged. Then, the bartender put on the counter the plasticky main dish: pork.

In the shape of a Pig's head.

That's some Lord of the Flies shit. Brian remarked that it was "actually pretty cool" when i lost my shit and began screaming "CAN'T YOU SEE, BRIAN? IT'S A FUCKING PIG'S HEAD!! DON'T YOU SEE??? IT'S FUCKING SYMBOLISM!!!!"

Throughout this time, there had been a street-person walking around, agitating paying customers, denouncing the Party figure in the dream, and as he was escorted out, I realized that it must be he who would be sacrificed.

Suddenly, (perhaps we followed him) we were at the heart of the evil, oppressive figure's dark deeds. We were outside a locked, cement room about the size of a photo booth, and from the inside i could hear screaming. When i realized what was going on, I ran for the door that was obviously not where we came in (in the hopes of uncovering the truth, i suppose), and as the revolving, mass-hall-kitchen doors closed behind me, I realized

I was "the naive one."

(that is SO much less impressive in text than it was in person, and obviously even more so (ha, more less) than in the dream itself)

The room was filled with metal kitchen racks, and atop each one as if sleeping on a bunk bed lay a dead body. The others (there were more besides Rick and Brian) followed me in and, as though unmoved by the sight of death approached the bodies. Each, one by one, pulled out a fairly wide but short (boba-like) straw and fucking

STUCK THEM IN THE BODIES

and

DRANK FROM THEM.

T.T ughuhuhuhuh nasty. And then they took out the newly tortured guy and propped him up against two racks and told me to do to him as they had done to the others. it was my..... INITIATION (ok I'm done). And of course that's disgusting and I would have refused, but just then, to make it even worse, i saw he was still alive, writhing and everything.

As i began refusing, however, i noticed the other bodies atop the racks begin to move, and before long i was seized by these zombie/monster/creatures who informed me that resistance was futile for "everyone knows that in this realm, as soon as the sun goes down, monsters grow strong while children become weak" and OF COURSE my arms turn into gelatin (not literally, but you know) and my punches don't even reach them. And of course they're superhuman and punch me like across the room into some [racks then] walls.

And yeah then benji woke me up so that's it.

Short, neh?

miss..... everything.


i don't know why i'm forever nostalgic.

i wish i weren't.


=/

So I haven't updated in a while. Really, there's nothing to talk about, which is an absolute lie, but it's too much to talk about now that I haven't updated. I got a date to prom! Woo, go me. Only had to beg and be rejected by three lower-classmen before someone accepted me! Yay for my self-esteem. (Seniors were always out of the question, in case you were wondering. I have no [straight] friends my age [at Arroyo]).

Hmmmm, deca is over. a big sad face for that. I'll miss it terrrrrribly next year around this time. I'll probably cry every year on the first weekend of February for the rest of my life. haha, maybe not, but, this stuff really gets to me. I'm glad I'll be leaving soon, but I'm going to miss deca and my section. (and that's REALLY it, haha) Not even band as a whole, JUST my section. God I love them.

I'm in track now (again). Azariah quit. =/ But OH WELL, I can DO IT WITHOUT HIM. hahah, I'm independent! Riiiight? Mmm probably not.


The weeks seem painfully slow and the weekends dishearteningly fleeting, but OH WELL, what am I going to do about that? Make time speed up and then slow down?

Mmmm I started writing/ drawing The Adventures of Nihilism Lass and Cartoon Candy Chap. I'm such a terrible writer. And artist in the comic book genre. =/ OH WELL, the book must be written. IT MUST. I'll pull a Steinbeck and pour my whole heart, soul, and universe into that box, and still it will not be full. *explodes*

Aaaaaaaaand that's pretty much it. Blahbidy blahbidy blah.

this time depressing. had it the eve of christmas eve. i wasn't going to type it up, but i told it on aim and felt i should copy pasta it over at least.

RPGgal: it was like, a deca meeting in my living room for once
RPGgal: but you were there and hannah was there and brian was there
RPGgal: and i think that girl jennifer
RPGgal: small meeting
RPGgal: and i was talking about something for a really really long time
RPGgal: and i have no idea what iw as saying
RPGgal: but out of the corner of my eye, i could see laying on the carpet john
RPGgal: and i thought i was going crazy
RPGgal: so i was like "no, just keep talking and ignore the hallucination"
RPGgal: and so i was playing it cool like i'm not seeing things
RPGgal: and finally when i finish i look down and he's definitely there, giggling
RPGgal: so i go out on a limb and address him, since i'm almost sure he's in the room
RPGgal: and i say "john, have you been there the whole time???"
RPGgal: and he just laughs and says yeah
RPGgal: then the meeting starts to disperse
RPGgal: and he's the last one to leave and i close the door on him
RPGgal: brush my teeth etc
RPGgal: 'cuz it's night
RPGgal: and then like fifteen minutes later, i get this strange impulse to look out the window
RPGgal: and where the door was was a window with blinds
RPGgal: and i move them
RPGgal: and john's right there
RPGgal: only, it's not really him
RPGgal: it's some sad, grotesque alien creature bearing resemblance to him
RPGgal: but i know it's him
RPGgal: and i start to scream really loudly in sheer terror
RPGgal: but then i'm like "what am i doing? this is john, the poor thing, something's wrong and i'm here screaming"
RPGgal: so i turn back to him and apologize, laughing nervously and saying he scared me
RPGgal: and i motion to the door that he can come in
RPGgal: and when i go over and open the door sure enough he's there
RPGgal: and he has his head hung despondently at the side
RPGgal: looking like he's about to cry
RPGgal: and he looks horrible, so skinny his arms are about as thick as cardboard toilet paper tubing
RPGgal: and i feel so much sympathy i give him a hug and say "it'll be alright, John, it'll be alright"
RPGgal: only then his skin starts turning brown (it was grey) and flaking off in some parts, melting onto my own in others
RPGgal: and so horrified i shove him off of me and run
RPGgal: and i run to the hall and pick up a gun
RPGgal: and without him once threatening to hurt me i kill him
RPGgal: